What's On My Mind...

Saturday, March 21, 2010
The last few weeks have been intriguing. I've realized, in myself, patterns I thought were long broken. I see things now that have been fear-based that, for a time, I thought were logic grounded... and I'm ready and willing to change. I opened up Marianne Williamson's "Enchanted Love" to a random page and a prayer popped up. I'm going to hold onto this prayer for the next week or so. It fits in perfectly with the next CHOOSE YOU course I'll be teaching:

"Dear God, I don't wish to be a child anymore. I don't wish to be held back anymore. I don't wish to waste my life. Deliver me to new realms, repair me where I am broken, and ready my heart for everything. Thank you, God. Amen."
- Marianne Williamson, Enchanted Love

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Are You His Spouse or His Mother? (Read Time: 3 min)

Why do women insist on mothering men?

That's the question I'm pondering tonight. Marianne Williamson says it best,
"A woman cannot win by mothering a man because a man does not want to sleep with his mother. A woman who emotionally does too much for a man will always end up losing him."

And, yet, so many women pick up a man child thinking he'll transform into a man's man and guess what? Twenty years later, she's still waiting.

The reality is this: a man doesn't want to have sex with his mother... and he won't stay with a woman who babies him. It's also true that a woman doesn't want to have sex with her son and when she gets tired of nagging, ordering, and changing diapers, she'll drop him like a hotcake for a man who's already grown up.

There comes a time when we, as women, have to decide if we want a relationship with a man that's a masterpiece or a boy who's a work in progress. I don't know about you but I already have three kids. I don't need a fourth nor do I have the desire or the time to wait for someone to turn "potential" into actual.

Getting out of the relationship pattern of being the mother is hard to do. It involves seeing a person, not for who they "could" be but for who they're showing up to be and, as women, we want to believe in the highest form of each and every person, especially men. But, reverse the equation: When was the last time a man dated a 400 pound woman saying, "I know there's a 125 pound beauty queen in there somewhere and I know she'll evolve?" or dated a woman who is an emotional wreck and said, "I know she'll be mature, stable and able to mother my children someday so I'll marry her on hope."

I know few men who've done this and the ones who have were sadly mistaken.

In the upcoming CHOOSE YOU! course, I'm going to spend some time on how both men and women can break free of the negative relationship pattern that involves parenting their partners. A partner is not someone you grow up; it's a person you grow with.

"Until a man makes an essential break from his boyhood, he will not have the muscles for real manhood, or for real love. He will not know how to reach far enough for love, and women around him will always be tempted to respond by reaching too far. This spells emotional disaster for both."
- Marianne Williamson, "Enchanted Love"

What's your take on parenting your partner? Have you done it? Do you do it? Have you ever seen it work out in a relationship?

Post your comments here or email me at


Barbara Todish said...

Marianne Williamson writes about what love really is, but her use of mothering and fathering may LIMIT the INFINITY that is love. What if we could FEEL that when we JUDGED, whatever values, i.e., mothering, fathering, etc., that the VALUES were judging and valuing US, instead of the other way around? In other words, there is as much ego and drama in the construct of mothering as there is in the construct of fathering. Perhaps we need to leave the judgments out of "HUMAN"ING! This might be done by transcending ego and drama, by VALUING what Slavoj Zizek calls "THE PERSPECTIVE OF INFINITY" instead of, or in addition to, valuing the PERFORMANCE OF RELATIVITY. When something is relative(as opposed to when something is absolute, namely any and all life and death issues) a judgment involving a QUALITY OF LIFE issue makes the person judging be DEFENSIVE ABOUT being judgmental in the first place and then drama and ego, symptoms of defensiveness, prevent THE PERSPECTIVE OF ETERNITY to be seen. Fear overwhelms the PERSPECTIVE OF ETERNITY that wants to emerge. As a result of having a limited fear based view, life, love, and laughter are seen as PERFORMANCES to be consumed instead of EXPERIENCES TO BE and EXPERIENCES TO LIVE